The other week I read an article on this site talking about an uber successful woman who manages so many things but was brought to tears because she forgot her son’s soccer game one Saturday. I laughed when I read it and then moved on to something else. But here’s the thing. For some reason I keep coming back to that article. About how she said she felt she had let her son down, how she had focused on the negatives for the week.
You see, for the past few weeks I have felt like she did on that day. A failure. Trying everything, spreading myself thin with tasks but failing miserably. In all departments. The home front and the work front are, in my mind, taking a beating and I feel a bit like what a passenger on the Titanic would have felt - slowly sinking.
And I know I am not alone. Most women I speak to feel the same way. Very few of us feel at all times that we have ‘got it together’. Hell, if I can make it out of the house without the kids nearly killing each other, me screaming the house down and dressed in unstained clothes I feel as if I have won for the day. And this feeling isn’t just particular to mums. It’s a feeling that most, if not all women feel at some point in time. Some days, some weeks, some months and even some years just seem so much harder than others. The list of what we want to accomplish and how we measure success is often concealed by failed ventures, missed deadlines and the long list of what we are perceiving we are doing wrong. My ego isn’t big enough to think I am doing well when I know I am not and my pessimism often gets the best of me.
I’ve never suffered depression so don’t get me wrong, the pessimistic thoughts do go as quickly as they come but at times they are hard to shake. A happy home and a happy and productive work life do wonders yet when you are a woman, often the two are mutually exclusive. The kids are great yet the work suffers or the work is great but the family is suffering. In my case it feels at the moment that both sides aren’t doing brilliantly. Treading water at best.
So here’s the thing. After a long think, I’ve decided to give myself a break, make smaller lists, tick off fewer items to do each day and just breathe. There will be easy times and hard times, but what really counts at the end of day, I believe is that we just keep moving forward. At times two steps forwards will be followed by one step back but at the end of the day, that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay.